My experience with boundaries has been highlighted recently. I grew up with none, and suddenly I'm having to learn what a healthy boundary is.
Growing up, I had no boundaries with myself or with others. I know that the knowledge around the lack of boundaries with others is quite common, but have you ever considered the boundaries with yourself?
I am boundaried with myself in the sense that I don't eat sugar, I don't overbook myself (to avoid burnout), and I make scheduled time for me, for time with my family, and for work. I am boundaried with myself in the sense that I maintain a tidy and clean environment.
I'm also boundaried with how I speak to others. Now, this sounds like a boundary for other people, but really it's a boundary for both parties. This is a new one for me, and it's ever-changing at the moment.
The boundary on how I speak to others includes a few different factors. I'm really trying to monitor how I show up with people and for myself. My main focus with this is on being honest. Now, I don't lie, but am I being honest?
If I disagree with another person, can I tell them I disagree? If they've upset me, am I telling them? Am I feeling held and heard by those people in the way that I wish to be?
There's always been a lot of fear around disagreeing with someone, or standing up for myself, or speaking my truth if I'm upset. My role models hadn't demonstrated these well. I was taught to be open-minded and consider others' perspectives, which was beneficial, but it led me to prioritize others' needs over mine to survive.
With this boundary with myself, which I'm still learning, I'm really having to constantly check in with myself, especially if the interaction is triggering in any way, shape, or form.
I'm constantly having to ask the above questions, and it's not easy. I spent the first 25 years of my life not even knowing what a boundary was, so of course, this is challenging shadow work.
I'm starting to do this 'checking in' by naming how the interaction made me feel, then I note the feeling (in my head if it's live, on paper if I'm thinking about a past interaction), and sometimes I completely pull away from the conversation. I do this because if I'm feeling angry because I'm triggered, and that's not necessarily the other party's fault, so I withdraw where possible. Obviously, you can't always just leave mid-conversation, in which case, I breathe, and I've started being honest (again where possible) with the person. 'That made me feel a certain way, so I'm just going to take a few minutes and regroup.'
This is just one tiny, tiny example of many, many ways you can deal with many, many different scenarios, but the biggest thing I've noticed lately is: I don't even honor my boundaries in the moment.
I've gotten a lot better. I'm now having healthy, boundaried relationships, and I've gotten stronger at having uncomfortable conversations about past interactions,
but in the moment? Definitely still a WIP.
And that's why I'm trying to be more honest with the world—to honor my own boundaries.
Are you being honest with others? When your gut tells you something doesn't feel right, are you listening? Can you start naming your emotions in social situations? Can you speak your truth, or is that terrifying?
