I spent most of my life living out of my body.
What I mean by this is that I did everything I could to be distracted, occupied or busy. Distracted from my own thoughts, my own feelings and from what was really happening underneath.
My go to technique to be anywhere but my own body was to eat food.
Every time I wasn't invited to the party, or ignored in a conversation, rejected by a boy or picked on by the girl that seemed to have it all- I'd eat.
I'd get home from school and I'd eat whatever my mum would make for me and then go on a hunt through the house for more. I'd eat in front of my family, and then eat in secret later too.
By the age of 8 I was made aware of my obese body in a maths lesson- We were made to que up and get on the scales one by one. I got on that scale unaware I was 'fat' and left the scale acutely aware that I was '9 stone!' after the teacher couldn't help but say it out loud in shock.
By the age of 14 I was asking to join Slimming World and I started to go with my mum, being sold the promise of eating as many 'green' foods as I wanted and still lose weight. I remember one week gaining 2lbs and the lady looking at me as if to tell me off- You know, that look that head teachers give to the student that's being a little too chatty, the 'you know better' look. I went there to literally be smaller, not feel smaller in spirit.
By the age of 15 I had started going to the gym and now, looking back I was a normal weight- but I believed that no one loved me because I was fat.
That year, I was trying to end my life and was put on antidepressants.
The rest of my years my weight yo yo'd and my heaviest was 24 stone and my lightest was 17 stone (as an adult).
By the age of 28 I had left an abusive relationship and I joined a program for food addiction as well as started to work with a psychotherapist. Three years later, I'm still working with that therapist and still in the program for food addiction.
By the age of 30 I started to work with women who also have spent a lot of time away from their bodies too by working with massage, shamanic healing, drumming, ceremonial cacao and the womb.
Creating a space for women to be held and heard-
I am a trauma-informed healer who is heart and womb led.
